(Make sure to check out TV Envy’s Programming Schedule.)

• How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.):  “When Ted turns down Barney’s offer for a building-design job, Barney tries to woo him with all of the seduction methods he uses on women.” This episode will launch the next chapter of the series: “How I Met Your Other Dad.”
• Gossip Girl (CW, 8 p.m.):  “Dan is once again conflicted about his feelings for both Serena and Vanessa.” And once again, I’m conflicted as to why I’m still recording this show.
• House (FOX, 8 p.m.):  “House and Cuddy go on a double date with Wilson and his girlfriend, Sam (Cynthia Watros).” House figured a night out on him could finally settle the whole “Your Girlfriend Was on the Bus Because of Me” awkwardness.

• Melissa & Joey (ABC Family, 8 p.m.):  “Joe’s citizenship is questioned, and he faces losing his job if his missing paperwork isn’t found.” Whoa!
• Hair Battle Spectacular (Oxygen, 10 p.m.):  “In the Season 1 finale, the final hair artisans square off by fashioning three models to portray stories about relationships. The seasonal winner scores $100,000. Kim Zolciak guest judges.” Aspiring judges with real hair need not apply.
• Teen Mom (MTV, 10 p.m.):  “Farrah gets the results of Sophia’s DNA test.” The special event will be moderated by Maury Povich.

• Hell’s Kitchen (FOX, 8 p.m.):  “Challenges facing the 11 remaining chefs include devising menus for a retro-themed high-school prom.” The meals would have to pair nicely with the line of California Coolers.
• Harry Loves Lisa (TV Land, 10 p.m.):  “In the premiere of this reality series chronicling the lives of Hollywood couple Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna, Harry takes a stab at stand-up comedy on his return to show business.” This explains Dancing with the Stars.
• Steven Seagal Lawman (A&E, 10:30 p.m.):  “Seagal tests a rare Japanese sword.” Of course, it could never be a match for a Machete.

• 30 Rock (NBC, 8:30 p.m.):  “When a congresswoman (Queen Latifah) pushes for more diversity in the programming, Jack turns to Tracy to develop ideas.” Pitch #1: Remake The Munsters and bring monsters back to NBC.
• Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, 9 p.m.):  “The chief notices that Alex hasn’t been taking elevators since his shooting, and tries to help.” All the progress Alex made was ruined by that Devil movie.
• Private Practice (ABC, 10 p.m.):  “News of Addison’s new romance doesn’t go over well.” The office has already reached its “two couples at one time” limit.

• Dog Whisperer (Nat. Geographic, 8 p.m.):  “Deal or No Deal host Howie Mandel seeks help handling his wife’s aggressive Chihuahua in the Season 7 premiere.” He wants to know how he can train the dog without actually touching it.
• Smallville (CW, 8 p.m.):  “An anti-hero shock jock becomes possessed by the dark force and takes Lois hostage.” And Howard Stern thought those were just bed bugs he was dealing with.
• Teach: Tony Danza (A&E, 10 p.m.):  “Half the class fails a quiz on the novel Of Mice and Men, prompting Danza to make a decision that could have legal repercussions.” He equipped them with bootlegged copies of the movie to help them understand the story.

• Mel B: It’s a Scary World (Style, 9 p.m.):  “Mel tries to persuade Ludacris to sing with her.” Why that’s just ludicrous.
• Brothers & Sisters (ABC, 10 p.m.):  “The Walkers secretly plan a birthday party for Sarah, though it’s Luc who could be surprised by her actual age.” Turns out her real Australian accent is far more shocking to him.
• Mad Men (AMC, 10 p.m.):  “While trying to navigate a crisis, Don encounters an old friend.” Will it be the stewardess? The school teacher? The department store woman? Oh wait—those weren’t friends.