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This Week on TV (5/18-5/24)

(You can view TV Envy’s Programming Schedule here.)

MONDAY 5/18)

24 (FOX, 8pm): Two-hour finale. “Jack reaches an emotional breaking point.” I would advise everyone to stay out of head-butting range from Bauer.
The Bachelorette (ABC, 9pm): Season premiere. “Jillian Harris, the 29-year-old Canadian who was a runner-up for the heart of 2009 Bachelor Jason Mesnick, gets a new perspective on the rose ceremony.” She plans on being much more selective about those she ~~jumps into hot tubs with~~ hands stems to.
Table for 12 (TLC, 9pm): “The Hayes family embarks on a 420-mile road trip to Canada.” The free health care will make up for the cost in gas.
Gotti’s Way 2 (VH1, 10:30pm): “While in therapy, Debbie realizes a need for boundaries on her relationship with Irv.” The audience at home will still be allowed full access though.

(You can view TV Envy’s Programming Schedule here.)

MONDAY 5/11)

Gossip Girl (CW, 8pm): “Serena’s run-in with the police upsets Lily.” She only expected her daughter to be cuffed and shamed, not frisked and strip-searched.
Weaponizers (Discovery, 9pm): Season premiere. “An RV takes on a shuttle bus, after the teams equip them with rockets, machine guns and medieval weapons in this reality series featuring vehicle face-off competitions.” The only thing missing in this equation is Jason Statham.
Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9:30pm): “Alan and Chelsea bond, and their time together gives Charlie a needed break to do the things he loves doing on his own.” A wingman can help you score a woman….and keep her busy too.
Medium (NBC, 10pm): “After Allison slips into a coma while working on a case, her spirit transfers into the body of a middle-aged man (Jeffrey Tambor).” The sexual reassignment process was much easier than the one Alexis Arquette went through.

(You can view TV Envy’s Programming Schedule here.)

MONDAY 5/4)

How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8:30pm): “Barney celebrates his 200th. No need to explain more.” That’s gonna be LEGEN… wait for it… and I hope you’re not lactose intolerant because the second half of that word is… DAIRY!
Table for 12 (TLC, 9pm): “Eric and Betty try to keep the kids busy when they’re all stuck at home on a school day.” I believe snow days is how they got their 10 kids to begin with.
Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9pm): “Chelsea moves into the house, and Alan feels like he is being pushed out.” It was like that time when his best friend Andie started dating that guy named Blane.
New York Goes to Work (VH1, 10pm): Series premiere. “Viewers vote on which of the three jobs the long-time reality show veteran will take. If she impresses her employer, she’ll get a $5000 bonus. If she quits or fails, she’ll get nothing.” If she flames royally, VH1 will renew her contract.

(You can view TV Envy’s Midseason Programming Schedule here.)

MONDAY 3/30)

Greek (ABC Family, 8pm): “Casey returns from her summer internship with secret plans to move out of her sorority house.” Unfortunately, she couldn’t wait to change her Facebook profile.
Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9pm): “Charlie blows off steam by sharing a drunken night with Alan, Herb and his neighbor after Chelsea discovers nude photos of another woman on his cell phone.” Kinda makes you wonder what Denise Richards has on her ex.
Rules of Engagement (CW, 9:30pm): “Jeff and Audrey lie to get out of Jennifer and Adam’s dinner party in favor of a better bash.” Fondue parties are so 5 years ago.
CSI: Miami (CBS, 10pm): “Ryan is kidnapped and forced to betray Horatio and the team.” Cue Horatio lowering glasses in disappointment.