(You can view TV Envy’s Fall Television Programming Schedule here.)

• Chuck (NBC, 8pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Chuck mixes it up with a formidable operative (Michael Clarke Duncan) out to obtain a device that would potentially give rise to a new Intersect.” Thankfully, he knows a girl from Wienerlicious who can take the big guy down.
• Heroes (NBC, 9pm):  “Peter looks to the past to stop the future.” Is going back to Season Two an option?
• 100 Greatest Hip Hop Songs (VH1, 9pm):  “A five-part countdown of the Top 100 hip hop songs.” Because when I think hip hop, I think VH1.
• Life (NBC, 10pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Crews and Reese track a serial killer who’s placing victims in numbered trunks around the city.” Ooh—I love scavenger hunts!

• 90210 (CW, 8pm):  “Kelly is contacted by an old pal who has her second-guessing her relationship with Ryan.” Meanwhile, I’m still second-guessing why I even bother with this show.
• The Shield (Oxygen, 10pm):  “Shane tries to turn Ronnie against Vic.” Someone please explain to me how Ronnie - the guy who had his face grilled - is the least messed up person in this bunch.
• Paris Hilton’s My New BFF (MTV, 10pm):  Series premiere. “Paris Hilton begins the audition process to find a new best friend.” I will not get sucked into this show. I will not get sucked into this show…
• Half Their Size: The People Magazine Weight Loss Challenge (ABC, 10pm):  “Following the weight-loss journey of eight Mississippi residents over the course of nine months of hard work that included no surgery or gimmicks.” It’s like getting a whole season of The Biggest Loser in one nice compact hour.

• Pushing Daisies (ABC, 8pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Lily takes Olive to a nunnery to keep her from telling secrets.” Are people who gossip sent to nunneries as well?
• Private Practice (ABC, 9pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Addison discovers that Naomi is keeping the practice’s financial woes a secret.” I sense a theme in ABC‘s programming tonight.
• My Fake Baby (BBC, 9pm):  “A look at shockingly lifelike dolls called ‘reborns’ and a small number of women who treat them like real babies.” WTF??
• Dirty Sexy Money (ABC, 10pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Tripp and Leticia throw Nick an elaborate birthday party on a yacht.” You don’t have to respect your boss to accept their pricey gifts.

• Survivor: Gabon (CBS, 8pm):  “Tension builds in one tribe when food starts to run low because of some teammates overeating.” Screw eliminations. Food stealers should be sacrificed at Tribal Council.
• Ugly Betty (ABC, 8pm):  “Christina finds reason to be wary of her estranged husband’s motives.” Never trust a man who has the word “estranged” in his title.
• Vice-Presidential Debate (Various, 9pm EST):  I’m not sure whether I’m looking more forward to this, or Tina Fey’s next SNL appearance.
• Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style (Bravo, 11pm):  Season 2 premiere. “Tim reinvents the conservative look of an effervescent prep-school grad with a political past.” I hope this means Gunn will still have a future even if Project Runway doesn’t.

Season premieres: Everybody Hates Chris, The Ex List, The Game, Ghost Whisperer, Numb3rs, Wife Swap, Supernanny

• Everybody Hates Chris (CW, 8pm):  Season 4 premiere. “The season begins with Chris entering high school and being placed in an all-white homeroom with a bigoted teacher.” Chris is in high school now? Where the heck have I been?
• Ghost Whisperer (CBS, 8pm):  Season 4 premiere. “Melinda soon discovers Eli’s near-death experience has given him the ability to hear ghosts but not see them.” Some people call those ghosts, others call them voices in their head.
• Wife Swap (ABC, 8pm):  Season premiere. “The twister-chasing family of a storm scientist swaps moms with a safety-conscious family whose patriarch runs a child-proofing business.” Coming soon: Storm-proof child helmets.
• The Ex List (CBS, 9pm):  Series premiere. “A marriage-minded woman searches for her Prince Charming among her many ex-boyfriends.” Apparently going with your first instincts is now overrated.

Season premieres: 4Real, America’s Funniest Home Videos, Easy Money, The Girls Next Door, In Harm’s Way, Valentine

• America’s Funniest Home Videos (ABC, 7pm):  Season 19 premiere. “Clips include hair-waxing sessions for men.” So childish, yet so funny.
• Brooke Knows Best (VH1, 10:30pm):  Season finale. “Brooke’s music career is on life support with no label, manager or distribution deal.” Finally a show that ends on a positive note.
• The Girls Next Door (E!, 10pm):  Season 5 premiere. “Hef and the ladies travel to Las Vegas to celebrate his 82nd birthday.” Is this the one where Kendra flashes everyone from the outdoor pool? Oh wait - this episode hasn’t happened yet.
• Valentine (CW, 8pm):  Series premiere. “A family of Greek gods relocate from Mount Olympus to Los Angeles to help people find true love.” This sounds like the best-worst thing to happen to TV in quite some time.