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Treat Your Inner Jerk to the TV Poltergeist

Posted by Finnian Durkan Categories: Accessories, Mods / Hacks, Toys

Tv Poltergeist

Want to piss off your friends with more than just your abrasive personality and obnoxious hygiene habits or complete lack thereof?  Yes, it is rude to clip your toenails in someone else’s living room, genius; what are you, five?  If you feel the need to step up your toxicity—to neutron bomb your friendships, poisoning the landscape for decades to come and leaving behind a barren landscape of people hating the very mention of your name in your wake—then look no further: the TV Poltergeist is the gadget for you.  The TV Poltergeist is a battery-powered and easily hide-able palm-sized piece of hardware with a tiny, flexible LED that you can point towards the TV of your intended victim.  Once you turn it on the TVP will randomly emit a signal via the LED and shut your future ex-friend’s TV off.  Works on just about any TV—CRT, Plasma, LCD—just not your Gramma’s 30 year-old knob-operated Zenith, though if you pull this stunt on your Gramma a) you’re an a$$ and b) expect to get written out of the will and hit with a cane.  That woman lived through 5 wars and walked 40 miles to kindergarten everyday.  Show some respect!

Read More | TV Poltergeist

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Why DID the Chicken Cross the Road?

Posted by Sheila Franklin Categories: Editorial, Internet

Chickens Crossing

We are always so serious around here, that when we found this circulating on the Net we just had to share. Too funny! The image is courtesy of “lonecellotheory” on Flickr, while the author is apparently still unknown. Give that woman/man a job at Comedy Central!

Barack Obama: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

John McCain: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

Hillary Clinton: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure—right from Day One!—that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me…....

Dr. Phil: The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on ‘THIS’ side of the road before it goes after the problem on the ‘OTHER SIDE’ of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his ‘CURRENT’ problems before adding ‘NEW’ problems.

Oprah: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

George W. Bush: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road…

Anderson Cooper - CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

John Kerry: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

Nancy Grace: That chicken crossed the road because he’s GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed I’ve not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.

Jerry Fallwell: Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth?’ That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

Grandpa: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

Barbara Walters: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

Bill Gates: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken.. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra…#@&&^(C% ........reboot.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken! What is your definition of chicken?

Al Gore: I invented the chicken!

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one? Where did that sucker go?

Dick Cheney: Where’s my gun?

Al Sharpton: Why are all the chickens a colorless white? We need some black chickens.

We suspect that you guys could add to the list, eh?

Read More | Neatorama

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