(You can view TV Envy’s Fall Television Programming Schedule here.)

Season premieres: The Big Bang Theory, Boston Legal, CSI: Miami, Dancing with the Stars, Heroes, How I Met Your Mother, Two and a Half Men, Worst Week

• Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8pm):  Special two-hour premiere. “The season begins with 13 new celebrities.” Any time a reference is made about Kim Kardashian’s butt or cut foot, take a drink.
• Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9pm): “Charlie runs into an ex-girlfriend whose son bears a striking resemblance to him.” As if Charlie Sheen really needed to get involved in another custody issue.
• Heroes (NBC, 9pm):  Special two-hour premiere. “Suresh makes an important breakthrough.” It’s taken him two seasons to realize how boring his character is.
• Worst Week (CBS, 9:30pm):  Series premiere. “Disaster-prone Sam Briggs, and his girlfriend, Melanie, visit her parents – who don’t like Sam – to tell them that they are engaged and expecting a child.” It’s always good to get the disappointing news out all at once.

TUESDAY (9/23)

Season premieres: Law & Order: SVU, Opportunity Knocks, The Mentalist, NCIS, Without a Trace

• Opportunity Knocks (ABC, 8pm):  Series premiere. “A family is asked trivia questions based on their knowledge of each other.” Question #1: Which of your family members would actually bother watching this show?
• The Mentalist (CBS, 9pm):  Series premiere. “A former fake psychic now uses his gift for observing details to assist a California crime unit.” Any program with Simon Baker is worth watching…at least once.
• Without a Trace (CBS, 10pm):  “The team searches for a man whose daughter vanished years earlier.” It’s families like this one that keep the crew employed.
• Law & Order: SVU (NBC, 10pm):  “New ADA Kim Greylek (Michaela McManus) helps Benson with her investigation.” Couldn’t they introduce an expendable male ADA every once in a while?

Season premieres: Criminal Minds, CSI: NY, Gary Unmarried, Knight Rider, Lipstick Jungle, The New Adventures of Old Christine

• Knight Rider (NBC, 8pm):  Series premiere. “Mike and KITT gear up to deliver a package—but their parcel turns out to be a man with top-secret codes inscribed in his DNA.” This sounds like a job for The Transporter!
• The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8pm):  “The fourth season begins with Christine proposing to Barb to keep her from being deported to the Bahamas.” I fail to see how being forced to go to the Bahamas would be a bad thing.
• David Blaine: Dive of Death (ABC, 9pm):  Two-hour special. “For three days and nights, David Blaine attempts to hang upside down (and walk) on a wire five stories in the air with no safety net, using electromagnetic boots.” Could the show’s title be any more negative?
• CSI: NY (CBS, 10pm):  “The fifth season begins with Mac being taken hostage by a bank robber and then waking up in a submerged car with no memory of how he got there.” How he got there should be the least of his concerns at this point.

Season premieres: ER, Grey’s Anatomy, My Name is Earl, The Office, Survivor: Gabon, Ugly Betty

• Survivor: Gabon (CBS, 8pm):  Special two-hour premiere. “The 17th season begins with 18 castaways marooned in Gabon, Africa.” Sadly, this description sounds very much like a Real World/Road Rules challenge.
• Grey’s Anatomy (ABC, 9pm):  Special two-hour premiere. “A military doctor (Kevin McKidd) who arrives at the hospital with a trauma patient catches Cristina’s eye.” I’m not sure if he should be flattered or scared.
• The Office (NBC, 9pm):  Special hour premiere. “Pam attends art school in New York, leaving behind a pining Jim.” Who knew that turtle she drew would actually get her into a real art school?
• ER (NBC, 10pm):  ‘The 15th and final season opens with the staff dealing with the aftermath of the ambulance explosion.” Wasn’t there an explosion last fall? Oh, wait—Neela was just trampled in a rally. Never mind.

• Who Are You Wearing (TLC, 7pm):  “Four designers compete to create a dress for Holly Robinson Peete to wear on the red carpet.” Wait a second—where exactly is Holly going…and does anyone really care?
• America’s Toughest Jobs (NBC, 8pm):  “The contestants prepare for a bullfighting job by allowing a bull to push them around in a barrel.” Now is that really a job, or just a profession someone chooses to do?
• Grizzly Man Diaries (Animal, 9pm):  “Treadwell records a terrible nightmare of being eaten alive by a bear in his journal.” For some reason he hasn’t thought about that possibility until now.
• Presidential Debate (Several, 9pm EST): In the blue corner, we have Obama; in the red corner, we have McCain. Oh, yeah—the gloves are finally coming off tonight!

Season premieres: The Amazing Race, American Dad, Brothers & Sisters, Californication, Cold Case, Desperate Housewives, Dexter, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Family Guy, King of the Hill, Little Britain USA, The Simpsons, The Unit

• Extreme Makeover: Home Edition (ABC, 7pm):  Special two-hour premiere. “A woman who took in her deceased sister’s children and now heads a family of 15 receives a home makeover from Ty and her team.” It’s time for the season of guilt to begin.
• The Amazing Race (CBS, 8pm):  “The race begins with 11 teams departing the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum and flying to Salvador, Brazil where they must either climb up a large stone staircase on their hands and knees or climb down a 240-foot cargo net.” If there’s anything I’ve learned from American Gladiators, it’s that cargo nets are much more difficult than they appear.
• American Dad (FOX, 9:30pm):  “It’s Roger’s 1600th birthday, but the Smiths are too freaked out by Steve’s impending puberty to celebrate.” I know nothing about Steve, but I too am weirded out by this milestone.
• Brothers & Sisters (ABC, 10pm):  “Rebecca and Justin do their best to keep their relationship a secret.” Word of advice: boating topless would not be advisable.