(You can view TV Envy’s Midseason Programming Schedule here.)

• The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family, 8pm):  “Ricky’s dad arrives in town with a proposal for how Ricky should handle impending fatherhood.” Apparently leaving town is an option?
• House (FOX, 8pm):  “Cuddy discovers that caring for her newly adopted baby leaves her little time to run the hospital.” Taking care of House and a baby is an impossible feat.
• Bromance (MTV, 9pm):  “The guys embark on a camping trip, but before reaching their destination, they stop at a biker bar where each must face off against a huge biker in the parking lot.” The reality is, many people want to kick Brody Jenner‘s ass. It’s time to hone their defense skills now.
• Paranormal State (A&E, 10pm):  Season premiere. “A family believes their new home in suburban New Jersey is haunted. The team’s investigation leads them to dig in the yard for possible answers.” Haunting or no haunting, buried things in my yard is reason enough to move.

• Presidential Inauguration Coverage (various): Today’s the day we can finally stop calling Barack Obama the President-elect.
• The Biggest Loser: Couples (NBC, 8pm):  “A contestant wins the chance to bring a trainer home for a reunion with his or her partner.” Said contestant does not get to make partner jealous with visiting trainer.
• Privileged (CW, 9pm):  “A photo of rose with Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz at a nightclub angers her boyfriend.” He doesn’t think Pete should be out partying so shortly after his wife gave birth.
• Lost Tapes (Animal Planet, 10pm):  “A survival expert is bitten by a creature thought to be extinct.” I guess that’s one more thing he’ll be an expert on: extinct animal bites.

• 13: Fear is Real (CW, 8pm):  “One contestant disappears when the killer strikes during the day and a bloody glove is left behind. A scary scavenger hunt follows and the two weakest players fear they will be executed.” Intercourse = untimely executions.
• The New Adventures of Old Christine (CBS, 8pm):  “A Las Vegas bachelorette party is thrown for new Christine, who discovers a wild side she didn’t know she possessed.” Uh huh. And I bet she didn’t know she possessed those thigh boots in the corner of her closet either.
• Lost (ABC, 9pm):  Two-hour season premiere. “Jack and Ben try to reunite the Oceanic 6 for a return to the island (carrying Locke’s body with them) to save the remaining survivors, while those survivors feel the effects of the island’s move.” Given the different days this show has aired on, a moving island should be a piece of cake.
• Lie to Me (FOX, 9pm):  Series premiere. “Dr. Carl Lightman, an expert in how facial expressions and body language betray emotions, solves cases for law enforcement agencies and whoever else hires him.” But does he look like Simon Baker? I didn’t think so.

• The Office (NBC, 9pm):  “The staffers engage in a debate over the beauty of actress Hilary Swank.” No - this is not a super-sized episode.
• Burn Notice (USA, 10pm):  Series return. “Michael helps a father who was swindled by a medical scam artist while also searching for the person who tried to kill him.” Funny. I don’t recall Jeffrey Donovan being this productive in Changeling.
• Greg Behrendt’s Wake Up Call (SOAPnet, 10pm):  “A woman forces her boyfriend, who is a man with a severe commitment issues, to order an engagement ring before he’s ready to propose.” Sounds like commitment issues are the least of his problems.
• Celebrity Rehab Presents Sober House (VH1, 10pm):  “Steven’s relapse continues, and a barbecue party goes horribly awry.” At BBQs, it’s the meat - not the guests - that should be smoked.

• Dog Whisperer (Nat. Geographic, 8pm):  “A woman’s basset hound hates her husband.” Until we meet the husband in question, that dog should be given the benefit of the doubt.
• Don’t Forget the Lyrics (FOX, 9pm):  “Singer Rick Springfield helps a contestant go for the top prize.” Dr. Noah Drake’s “human touch” is always a nice source of inspiration.
• Friday Night Lights (NBC, 9pm):  “Tami faces criticism for not installing a JumboTron.” She was waiting for the closeout sale at Circuit City to begin.
• Miss America: Countdown to the Crown (TLC, 10pm):  “The series concludes as the Miss America hopefuls put together a talent show.” The winning performer will be safe from elimination on pageant night.

• Screen Actors Guild Awards (8pm, TBS/TNT):  “Outstanding film and television performances are honored at the 15th annual gala. James Earl Jones is slated to be honored with the Lifetime Achievement Award.” If the SAG strike goes into motion, this could be the last time these actors are seen smiling together.
• The Last Templar (NBC, 9pm):  Part 1. “A Manhattan archaeologist (Mira Sorvino) and an FBI agent (Scott Foley) embark on a globe-spanning quest to unearth the shadowy secrets of the medieval Knights Templar after an ancient device is pilfered from New York’s Metropolitan Museum.” There once was a time when Sorvino would actually be attending a SAG awards ceremony.
• Loving Leah (CBS, 9pm):  “A single cardiologist (Adam Kaufman) is persuaded to honor an ancient Jewish custom by marrying his late brother’s childless widow (Lauren Ambrose) so that the deceased’s name will continue on.” Uh, does Leah have any say in this matter?
• Rich Bride, Poor Bride (We, 9pm):  “A bride-to-be’s vision for a simple, inexpensive wedding clashes with her fiance’s idea of a medieval-theme affair.” The bride would save even more money if she just dumped him altogether.”