It’s been hyped for weeks, anticipated since last year’s Idol was crowned, and advertised until TV watchers can hardly stand the promos. Tuesday night it finally arrived - the performances from American Idol‘s Top 12. Was it worth two hours of programming?

The night kicked off with the big debut of a big new stage, where in an odd setup the band is suspended and the judges are shoved behind some of the crowd. Host Ryan Seacrest showed off the new lights and interiors as fans screamed, then dropped the bomb that this performance night would be melodic with songs from the famed Lennon-McCartney songbook. My breath caught, and immediately I was excited. Surely one of the Idols would be bold, brave, brash…surely, one of them would sing something from the darker, more politically-minded years of the Beatles. Surely, we would hear some hot 70s-era vocals.

Syesha Mercado strutted on stage to deliver “Got to Get You Into My Life” without much conviction, though there is no doubt the girl can sing. Randy Jackson said it was a “nice arrangement” and decreed that “it was all right.” Paula told her “you’re a very, very good singer,” in her usual insipid fashion. Simon thought her performance was “better than ‘all right’,” though he did say Syesha looked nervous.

Chikezie changed up “She’s a Woman” to suit his more soulful style. I’m not going to lie - I’m a huge Beatles fan. I have all the albums. I know all the words. I hate re-makes…but somehow I still really enjoyed Chikezie’s spin on the song. What I didn’t like was the Blake Lewis-esque outfit…what’s the deal with that? Randy told Chikezie “I was thoroughly entertained - who knew?” while Paula babbled for a while about taking risks. Simon was “really surprised” that he found himself agreeing with Randy and Paula, and told Chikezie he “took control.” Ryan Seacrest used the interview as an opportunity to completely freak out and hop around on stage. I will say this: at least Seacrest was well-dressed for a change, but his behavior is borderline manic.

Ramiele Malubay appeared next to sing my very favorite Beatles song - “In My Life.” This beautiful ballad is pure perfection…but for reasons I’ll never understand, Ramiele changed up the tempo and made the song even more slow-paced than it already was. It was boring, it was depressing…it wasn’t good. Randy called it “kinda pretty, but also kinda boring.” Kinda? Paula Abdul told her “you look lovely tonight,” because that’s somehow relevant, but told her the song choice was “pretty safe.” Simon didn’t mince words: “I was bored to tears,” he declared, then listed a catalogue of faults in the performance, “from the awful standing on the stairs…” (he went on a while in this vein, then told Ramiele he expects better). Well, it certainly isn’t the fault of the material!

Jason Castro took to the stage to softly sing “If I Fell” while strumming his acoustic guitar. Something about it was off, though I can’t quite say what it was. Randy “liked it, didn’t love it,” but decreed that “it was all right.” Paula disagreed with Randy and said Jason had a “special connection” with the audience. Simon Cowell said that “last week, you were incredible.” And tonight? “It was all a bit student-in-a-bedroom-at-midnight” whatever that means, and “quite boring.”

Big-voiced Carly Smithson, in another totally bizarre outfit, tried to put plenty of feeling in “Come Together.” I felt that this would have been a great song choice for Amanda, but didn’t so much suit Carly. This chick is not good at picking songs for herself. None of the judges felt the way I did. Randy told her “you were strong, you were confident” and called the performance “stellar.” Paula said she felt as though she was watching a star. Simon liked the song choice and compared her to season one winner Kelly Clarkson. Carly was grateful for the praise.

I heard that David Cook was fixing to sing “Eleanor Rigby” and mean words tumbled from my lips. “He shows up with an electric guitar and we’re fighting,” I snarled to my Idol-watching buddies. Soft, sad, and sympathetic, “Eleanor Rigby” is one of the most heartfelt songs in the Beatles repertoire. Cook, of course, turned the tune into another badass rock song…or tried to. With more of his usual mumbling and slurring he changed Rigby’s sad life into a rocker’s lament that I hated. H-A-T-E-D. He wore a David Hasselhoff-type jacket, a Simon Cowell-ish shirt, and has now officially become a contestant I hate. Randy told Cook “you can rock it out” and said “it was rockin’.” Paula told him “you are a dark horse,” then slid into more strange inanity by rambling on, “there’s more than one horse in this race.” Someone tell Abdul she’s not at the track but in front of a live viewing audience. Simon disappointed me, saying “I thought it was brilliant.” I thought it was trash. Cowell further went on to say he thinks Cook can win. Not in a world where Taylor Hicks can and Daughtry doesn’t.

Ballad-only Brooke White stayed seated behind the piano to sing “Let It Be,” a song inspired by a dream that is truly one of the most moving tunes ever penned by the hand of man. She took the guitar completely out of the song in an arrangement I absolutely despised, and though her vocals were good who can manage to stay focused when she is oh-so-boring and slow? Randy said it wasn’t her strongest performance, but he loves her conviction. “The dog is a fan!” He declared, referring of course to himself. Paula told her “this is your niche,” while Simon piled on the accolades. “Again, one of the best performances of the night,” he said. Gag. And though I thought I couldn’t possibly have another problem with Brooke, she paraded about the stage sans shoes and I found yet one more reason to hope she doesn’t win. Seriously…it’s making me ill.

David Hernandez made “I Saw Her Standing There” horrible within the first thirty seconds of his performance. He didn’t do his own falsetto, and the entire thing was awful. I still blame Hernandez for the elimination of Danny Noriega. Randy said it was all a “little too over-done” and just “too much.” Paula repeated this almost verbatim by saying David “over did it a little bit.” Simon simply told him “no, no, no,” and called the whole thing “corny, verging on desperate,” saying it “just wasn’t very good.” Yeah - and the outfit was utterly atrocious.

Amanda Overmyer lent her gravelly voice to “You Can’t Do That,” a rather odd song choice. Her look was a little funky, her performance hip and energetic. I can’t say it enough - I really like Amanda. Randy told her “this is the mark of great songs,” and thought she “rocked it out.” He finished by saying he “loved it, thought it was cool.” Paula told her “you are a star up there.” Simon “didn’t think it was good as last week,” told her he “understood about 30%” of the lyrics (what, but you know what David Cook is saying?) and thought some of it was “shouty.” But he did say Amanda is “like a breath of fresh air.”

Michael Johns beautifully belted “Across the Universe” in another gorgeous performance. Randy said it wasn’t his best, but “it was okay for me,” calling the overall performance “a little sleepy.” Paula rambled, rambled, and in the end said she likes Johns’ “quiet confidence.” Simon agreed with Randy, saying it was “a little bit monotonous,” but felt it was “solid” and “good” all the same. He advised that Johns let himself go a little vocally.

Newly countrified Kristy Lee Cook then pranced on stage with a contingent of fiddle players to deliver what I’m sure will go down in history as the worst American Idol performance (again, let’s not forget that I sat through an entire season of Soul Patrol and I’m still saying this) ever. It was, beyond any doubt, the most horrible Beatles re-make I’ve heard. She turned “Eight Days a Week” into a terrible Bluegrass-type tune, singing off-key and hitting plenty of sour notes while she did it. The arrangement was awful, the outfit strange…nothing worked at all. Not even a little. Randy said there were “some parts that I liked,” calling it a “half-n-halfer.” Paula told her to “infuse your own thing” into a song and said “I didn’t get it.” Simon called it “horrendous,” it was, and said she was like “Dolly Parton on helium.” He called her choice “very brave, but probably foolish” and likened the whole thing to a “ghastly country fair.” All of it “was just wrong,” he finished. Cowell even got a dig in at Seacrest, calling the latter “unnecessarily” obnoxious. I agree - there are fifty Joes in Hollywood right now who could do Seacrest’s job and get on my nerves far less.

David Archuleta, the performance I looked forward to all night, was placed last on this very momentous Idol evening. And…he crashed and burned. Singing a strange rendition of “We Can Work It Out,” he offered lots of energy but the whole thing was completely odd. Randy said it was “not on point,” and that it all “felt really forced.” Paula said it “wasn’t your best week,” but added “we love ya.” Simon was blunt, saying “that was a mess,” telling Archuleta is was “just all over the place.”

And that’s how the much-touted, long overdo Beatles night went down on American Idol. Nothing with a real edge - no performers singing “Norwegian Wood,” “Strawberry Fields,” not even “A Day In The Life.” No fun fashion - I felt sure someone would have guts enough to wear a Sergeant Pepper-type jacket or at least a pair of Lennon-like shades.  No sitar, no politics, no 60s-era angst. Just bad performances, disappointing arrangements, weird behavior from the host, and ridiculous words from Paula Abdul. Mentors will be revealed soon, and Ford videos will no doubt start Wednesday evening. For me, the night was a wash, and I feel ready to vote out five or six of them during the elimination show. But only one will go…and which will it be?