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Sunday June 27, 2010 8:32 pm

Grounded: Superman’s Walking Tour Diary

Posted by Tom Mason Categories: Editorials, DC Comics,

Superman 701‘s been grounded. No he hasn’t been sent to his room without supper, but the Man of Steel is taking a walking tour of America. The year-long adventure, called “Grounded” began in Superman #700 but really picks up steam in #701. It’s written by J. Michael Straczynski and illustrated by Eddy Barrows. Supes will be using his cross-country hike to try to reconnect with the people of this great nation.

Naturally, he’s keeping a diary and we got our hands on some excerpts. Up, up and away…on foot.

Day 6
Batman called to laugh at me. Said even Terra-Man used a horse. Ha-ha. Prick.

Status: Facebooking an embarrassing panel of Bruce and Dick getting massages in old comic book.

Lunch: A&W’s Uncle Burger. Stupid name for a pretty good burger.

Day 9
Met another guy who wants to talk about the “brown skins.” I said he had me confused with . I don’t see skin color. I have enough trouble with Kryptonite’s colors. And don’t get me started on the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Read More | Superman Grounded

Status: Still walking.

Lunch: Stuckey’s. Can’t believe they’re still in business. Pa’s favorite place. Nice bathroom. Pecan Log Roll? Just as fine as Lois after three appletinis.

Day 19
Okay, sir, you know why I haven’t cleaned up the oil spill yet? Not my job. The divided up the planet back in the Silver Age – Batman is master criminals, spies, saboteurs and lookalike Batman robots. I’m super-villains and super-psychos. Aquaman is all about the water. A-Q-U-A man. If he’s too proud to ask for help, how is that my problem? He’s been seeing a therapist. That’s all I have to say about it. And no, I don’t know what J’onn J’onzz does.

Status: Need to punch something.

Lunch: Chick-Fil-A. Good food, despite the misspelled sign.

Day 38
So this is Kansas? Reminds me of those opening scenes in my first movie. Except those were shot in Canada. And I wasn’t actually there.

Status: Want to fly. Are you listening, J. Michael?

Lunch: Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddar. Not as bad as Reign of the Supermen or 52.

Day 57
Had to explain the different Superboys to a guy in Tulsa today. I’m pretty sure I’m the one from Smallville that’s grown up. I know I’m not the one in Hawaii. Can’t remember if I’m the same one that’s in the Legion of Super-Heroes. Wouldn’t mind kissing Saturn Girl again if I was.

Status: Dreamy

Lunch: KFC Double Down. Tastes like Deep-Fried Kryptonite. I had four.

Day 71
Did signing at comic book store today. Lots of people still hung up about my death years ago. Get a life, people! I’m opening a shopping mall later. Hope I get to use those fancy big scissors!

Status: Kryptonite free for 71 days.

Lunch: Little Bacon Cheeseburger from Five Guys And Fries. Name sounds like a team of villains created by Weisinger.

Day 86
Yeah, I get it. I haven’t cured cancer yet. I’ve only saved the planet a couple hundred times, but I guess that doesn’t count for the fatso with melanoma today.

Status: Unappreciated.

Lunch: Sonic’s Chicken Club Toaster. Olsen was so right about it. I had three.

Day 103
Cured a leper today. He threw away his crutches and called me Jesus. Yeah, like Jesus can fly or take a punch from Braniac!

Status: Joyous.

Lunch: Grilled Cheese Bacon Thickburger at Hardee’s. Last ate one of these on a dare from Matter Eater Lad. He lost.

Day 151
Nothing but iPod today. Not interested in people.

Status: Groovin’

Lunch: Sushi from Whole Foods. I hate brown rice.

Day 183
Met Sheriff Joe Arpaio today. He asked me for my papers; said he could spot an alien a mile away. So I punched him…a mile away.

Status: Feels good to punch things

Lunch: Diablo Shrimp Burrito from Baja Fresh. No lard. I can tell.

Day 220
Lex called. Again. He’s doing a North Pole to South Pole thing like Michael Palin. I don’t know who that is. Supposed to run into Lex in Las Cruces. Fat chance!

Status: Punking

Lunch: Orange Julius. Sounds like a Steve Gerber character.

Day 246
Enough with the Super-Pets questions, okay? Beppo was the monkey, that’s all I remember. And no, I don’t know what happened to him. Ask Mark Waid!

Status: Questioning

Lunch: The large Prime Rib Steak and Peppercorn sub from Quizno’s. I toasted it with my heat vision. That always draws an appreciative crowd.

Day 360
Meeting at Warner Brothers. Can’t find out anything on my next movie. Siegel and Shuster’s heirs must be easier to deal with. Get it going people! Robert Downey, Jr. can’t be in everything!

Status: In development.

Lunch: I don’t remember what I had, but I saw Elizabeth Banks (!!!) in the commissary and she caught me using my x-ray vision inappropriately. She has not had any work done.

[Artwork: Cover to Superman #701 © DC Entertainment]



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