Everyone knows that Alfred Pennyworth is the loyal and faithful butler to DC Comics’ Bruce Wayne, aka Batman aka The Batman. But if you’re not following Alfred’s Twitter feed, you’re missing all the action at Wayne Manor. Here’s a taste from @BatButler:

I knew Batman wasn’t really dead. Of course, he’s lost weight. Hand-stitched batsuits? Not a good idea.

How embarrassing! Just served high tea to evil Batman robot. Everyone knows he drinks coffee!

My bad. Ran into Diana Prince today in her new costume. Called her Diana Rigg by mistake.

Bat quiz: There’s a life-size statue of Catwoman in the Batcave. Why does it have perky nipples?

Commissioner Gordon called Bruce today just to chat about last night’s Glee. I think he’s a very lonely man.

Bye-bye Greg Noveck! Now maybe Warner Bros. will finally be interested in my pitch for Alfred: The Motion Picture with Anthony Hopkins.

Her name is Poison Ivy! “World’s Greatest Detective” must be an honorary title.

Status? Wearing the Batsuit, driving the Batmobile past Olive Garden. Bruce’s date is getting suspicious again.

I believe Master Bruce is thinking of getting a new Robin. He had me call the funeral home to reserve another plot.

Last night’s dream: Birds of Prey gave me a Japanese bath. I had thoughts not unlike The Outsider.

I can repair the Batmobile, develop new Batweapons and fly the Batcopter. Why am I having such trouble with my iPhone?

Wanna hear a secret? I voted for Jason Todd to go. He never cleaned up after himself. Goodbye, snotty boy!

[Artwork: Alfred, © DC Entertainment]