In the interest of expanding my life experiences and getting “my game on” I decided to try the much hyped Gamer fuel, Mountain Dew’s new Halo 3 themed “Dew with an invigorating blast of citrus cherry flavor” featuring 170 calories of sugar and 73mg of caffeine. Read on for our full, unabashed review.

Initial Impressions:
Upon opening the can I was struck by a fizzing fruity bouquet, with hints of pine. The smell reminds me of a mix between kool-aid and pine-sol. I poured a slight bit into a glass to inspect the rich red-orange colors. While in the white cup it looks suspiciously like very thin fake blood from a great number of movies I watched as a child.

The First Sip:
Pine-sol and kool-aid suspicions confirmed. The flavor is very artificial and tastes just like it smelled: lime and cherry kool-aid packets mixed with a pine-needle whisk. My mouth instantly got dry and gummy - the sheer amount of sugar in a sip is likely more than I usually consume in a day. Never being one to shy away from the challenge I take a big gulp.

The big sip was a mistake - my teeth started hurting, and shortly after swallowing my stomach followed suit. Now 10 minutes and 1/4th of a can later I feel like laying down and taking a nap. My mouth feels and tastes like a gummy bear crawled in, died, and is now decomposing slowly in the back of my throat. What have you done to me Gamer Fuel?

The verdict:
What freakish executive at Pepsi approved this hyper-sweet monstrosity? Why is it selling? Should I buy stock in companies producing medical equipment for diabetics?

—Sparky