(To get a look at TV Envy’s 2009 Fall Programming Schedule, click here.)

• At Full Volume with Johnny Colt (Travel, 9pm):  “Johnny Colt of Black Crowes fame ventures to Thailand, where he finds himself in a Muay Thai boxing match.” My money’s on Johnny. He’s a little bit Hard to Handle.
• The Rachel Zoe Project (Bravo, 10pm):  “The red-carpet pressure’s on when Rachel allows a stunned Brad full responsibility to give high fashion to actress Anne Hathaway for fashion’s biggest night—the Oscars.” That’s Ba-na-nas.
• Hoarders (A&E, 10pm):  “A woman who has over 75 living and dead cats in her home, which is full of cat feces and urine-soaked furniture and carpets.” Later, it was discovered the woman had actually invaded the cats’ home.

TUESDAY (9/8)

Season premieres: 90210, Melrose Place, Sons of Anarchy, Tyra, The View

• 90210 (CW, 8pm):  Season premiere. “At the beach club, a pro tennis player makes an impression on the girls.” They may be thick, but Serena Williams’ arms are also impressive.
• Melrose Place (CW, 9pm):  Series premiere. “The remake kicks off as a wide-eyed Oregon transplant Violet Foster arrives in LA to find a dead body floating in the courtyard pool.” The good news? She got $100 knocked off her first month’s rent.
• Sons of Anarchy (FX, 10pm):  Season premiere. “SAMCRO must deal with internal repercussions from the murder of Opie’s wife.” Sheriff Andy Taylor will be brought in to handle the investigation.

Season premieres: America’s Next Top Model, Destination Truth, Glee, So You Think You Can Dance

• America’s Next Top Model (CW, 8pm):  Season premiere. “The 13th edition of the series begins with 14 would-be models—all standing 5’ 7” or under, a first for the competition - moving into a Los Angeles home and learning they will receive makeovers.” They are later thrown into the Taffy Puller right behind Mike Teavee.
• So You Think You Can Dance (FOX, 8pm):  Season premiere. “The season begins with auditions in Boston.” Poor Jeanine Mason. She wasn’t even given a chance for us to forget her.
• Glee (FOX, 9pm):  Series premiere. “This musical comedy-drama about the misfits who make up a high school glee clubs opens with the club’s first performance. It’s not what Will expects, and it gives his rival, cheerleader coach Sue Sylvester, added ammunition.” “S-U-C-K…the Glee Club blows in every way…You suck! Yeah, yeah - you suck!”

Season premieres: Supernatural, Vampire Diaries

• Vampire Diaries (CW, 8pm):  Series premiere. “Virginia high-schooler falls for a new student, who is actually a centuries-old vampire struggling to live peacefully among humans.” Unfortunately, he’s having a hard time relating to the whole Twilight obsession.
• Supernatural (CW, 9pm):  Season premiere. “The season begins with Lucifer being set free from hell and appearing on Earth.” This explains the return of Kristin Cavallari.
• Behind the Music (VH1, 10pm):  Series return. “Rapper Lil’ Wayne is profiled.” Stories about music, drugs and arrests? Behind the Music—where have you been??

Season premieres: 20/20, Say Yes to the Dress

• Say Yes to the Dress (TLC, 9pm):  Season premiere. “A former beauty queen searches for a traditional wedding gown.” She simply wants something that will complement her spray tan nicely.
• Dog Whisperer (Nat. Geog., 9pm):  “Cesar visits a dog-friendly office to work with three pups who don’t play well with others.” Those interns can be so cute, yet so annoying at the same time.
• 20/20 (ABC, 10pm):  “La Toya Jackson discusses her brother Michael’s life and death in an interview with Barbara Walters.” Thanks to old connections on the Psychic Friends Network, she sensed Michael’s death would come soon.

Season premieres: Mega Beasts, Sunday Night Football

• The Girl Who Cries Blood (Nat. Geographic, 9pm):  “An American blood specialist travels to India to examine a girl who is said to spontaneously cry tears of blood with no visible source or injury to explain it.” From there, he went to help a subject who was screaming bloody murder.
• Mega Beasts (Disc, 9pm):  Series premiere. “A look at the fearsome phorusrhacids, also known as terror birds, and their reign in South America.” I hear they were initially discovered by Wilderness Explorers packing chocolate.
• 2009 MTV Video Music Awards (MTV, 9pm): “Russell Brand returns to host the 26th annual bash.” As result of Michael Jackson’s death, the network has played more videos this year than it has since The Real World‘s launch.