(You can view TV Envy’s Programming Schedule here.)

• The Secret Life of the American Teenager (ABC Family, 8pm):  “Ben tries to figure out where he fits in Amy’s life.” Well, the role of babysitter is always open.
• Jon & Kate Plus Eight (TLC, 9pm):  “Previously unseen footage of the Gosselin’s early years is featured.” Misty water-colored memories of the way they were….
• Cake Boss (TLC, 10pm):  “Buddy creates an ornate wedding cake filled wtih live birds.” Watch out - that might not be fondant you’re eating.
• Dance Your Ass Off (Oxygen, 10pm):  “Twelve plus-size contestants infiltrate Los Angeles in a competition to shed pounds by means of dance and diet in this 10-part unscripted series hosted by Marissa Jaret Winokur.” In other words, a cutthroat version of Sweatin’ to the Oldies.

• 18 Kids and Counting (TLC, 9pm):  “Josh and Anna learn the sex of their first child during a visit to the Today Show.” They weren’t sure they wanted to know, but Kathie Lee blurted it out anyway.
• Little Couple (TLC, 10pm):  “Ben dutifully gets to work on Jen’s wish list of home improvements.” Husbands - it doesn’t matter whether you’re tall or small…you’re gonna get a ‘honey-do’ list.
• Paris Hilton’s My New BFF (MTV, 10pm):  “The BFF hopefuls spend some time behind bars.” As the heiress knows, time in lockup can do wonders for one’s personality.
• Bite Me with Dr. Mike (Travel, 10pm):  “In India, the host goes for a swim in the Ganges and endures leech therapy.” My momma always told me that nothing good can come out of the Ganges.

• Monsters Inside Me (Animal, 9pm):  Series premiere. “The opener of a series about parasites examines how some slow-acting organisms wreak havoc on people’s bodies.” Anyone else wondering this program is on the animal network?
• Pitchmen (Discovery, 10pm):  “The hosts help Survivor: Africa winner Ethan Zohn develop an alternative cereal bowl.” RIP Billy Mays.
• Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns (TBS, 10:30pm):  “A health scare motivates Edna to change her lusty behavior.” That’s what Oprah would call her “lightbulb” moment.
• Reno 911! (Comedy, 10:30pm):  “Rumors of extraterrestrial activity coincide with the appearances of unknown officers at the station, creating a dilemma for the deputies, who wonder if they should be a part of the Secret Santa gift exchange.” Buying gifts for aliens is hard enough. Finding one for under $20 is impossible.

• Samantha Who? (ABC, 8:00pm):  “Sam fears her old self may have cost Todd a photography career, so she tries to sabotage his competition for a job with a local newspaper.” Based on Christina Applegate’s success against ABC’s competition, I doubt she’ll succeed.
• In the Motherhood (ABC, 8:30pm):  “Rosemary throws herself a wake to enjoy the party while she’s still alive.” One should never wait until they’re canceled they expire to enjoy an audience.
• She’s Got the Look (TV Land, 9:00pm):  “The contestants learn the finer points of ‘mannequin modeling.’” My inner Tyra Banks would know how to look robotic while still smiling with my eyes.
• 16 and Pregnant (MTV, 10pm):  “A teen in the ROTC must put her dreams of enlisting in the Air Force on hold when she learns she’s pregnant.” This wasn’t the life of service she had envisioned.

• Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? (FOX, 8pm):  “Contestants include Joey Chestnut, a competitive-eating champion.” He might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but he can eat more hot dogs than one.
• The Goode Family (ABC, 8:30pm):  “Bliss gets a job cleaning up graffiti but there’s no work to do, so Helen starts tagging secretly.” Unfortunately, Helen’s identity was revealed by the “Love, Mom” signature.
• Don’t Tell the Bride (BBC, 9pm):  “Aman hopes his college sweetheart will love the medieval-themed wedding he’s planned, but a dress dilemma threatens her big day.” The bar wench costume already had beer stains on it.
• Mental (NBC, 9pm):  ‘Jack and the team meet for a poker game after work, and sparks fly between Rylan and Veronica.” The game was cut short when the couple started their own version of Texas Hold ‘Em.

• Merlin (NBC, 8pm):  “Merlin is saved from a magical winged creature by a young man named Lancelot.” It’s like the plot to a Harlequin romance novel, but not.
• Hannah Montana (Disney, 8pm):  “Miley secretly starts dating Jake Ryan again, but she pretends to date a bad-boy band member so Robby will appreciate Jake more.” Jake Ryan? Does Molly Ringwald know about this?
• Army Wives (Lifetime, 10pm):  “Pamela’s football know-how leads to a job offer with her son’s team.” Knowing how to get whites white is an invaluable tool.
• Kendra (E!, 10pm):  “Kendra poses for a lingerie shoot in Las Vegas and then attends a wild party. Meanwhile, Hank cleans up after Kendra’s dogs back at home.” Skimpy photos and a cleaning service? Who needs the Playboy Mansion?