(Make sure to check out TV Envy’s Programming Schedule.)

• How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8pm):  “Marshall gets mugged, prompting Lily to want to get a gun.” Given her previous experiencing staking vampires, he knew she was handy with weapons.
• Two and a Half Men (CBS, 9pm):  “Alan tolerates Jake’s new friend, who is a bad influence, because he’s attracted to the boy’s mother, played by Courtney Thorne-Smith.” According to Jim, she’s got very low standards.
• Pawn Stars (History, 10pm):  “Included: an archery bow; a full-size, hand-carved wooden motorcycle; and a pirate peg leg.” Life’s even hard for the Dread Pirate Roberts XL.

TUESDAY (4/13)

• Melrose Place (CW, 9pm): Season finale. “Amanda fires Ella, but Ella will not go down without a fight.” She’s not going to leave until the honchos at the network tell her to.
• Glee (FOX, 9:28pm):  Series return. “Will is single again, but this isn’t necessarily good news for Emma.” After their umpteenth duet together, she decided she needed a little space.
• Justified (FX, 10pm):  “Raylan poses as a gardener to nab a fugitive hiding in a house.” Well, that’s one way to weed him out.

• America’s Next Top Model (CW, 8pm):  “At panel, André Leon Talley harshly criticizes one contestant’s outfit.” Disgusted, he got out of his seat and covered her up with his cloak.
• The Middle (ABC, 8:30pm):  “Frankie and Mike eliminate their cable TV to cut down on expenses, but they miss it more than they thought they would.” Two words: Bit Torrent.
• Modern Family (ABC, 9pm):  “Claire and Gloria worry about their children getting older.” Depending on how long this show lasts, someone might be forced to get pregnant again soon.

• FlashForward (ABC, 8pm):  “Demetri decides to rush his wedding plans with Zoey after the captured FBI mole confirms his death date.” Ironically, the day he gets married is the day things end for him.
• Weird, True & Freaky (Animal, 9pm):  “A study of animals that seek mind-altering substances, such as reindeer that eat psychotropic mushrooms.” We now know why reindeer think they can fly.
• The Real Housewives of New York City (Bravo, 10pm):  “Ramona proposes that she and Mario renew their wedding vows.” Having watched Vicki and Donn’s wedding on The Real Housewives on Orange County, she figured she’d try anything that might make her seem human.

• Wife Swap (ABC, 8pm):  “A survivalist family preparing for the end of the world in 2012 swap with a family that dote on their kids, particularly their 12-year-old golf-prodigy daughter.” After being forced to watch golf 24/7, the survivalist mother cried: “Oh, just kill me now!”
• Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution (ABC, 9pm):  “Jamie is shocked by the response of students of Huntington High School when he asks them to choose between a lunch menu of processed junk food or fresh fare.” Thanks to Subway, they have been known to “eat fresh.”
• Private Chefs of Beverly Hills (Food, 10pm):  “The chefs become unwitting participants in a medieval murder mystery party held at a Scottish-style castle in Los Angeles.” It’s hard to cater when you’ve been stabbed with your own knife.

• Ruby (Style, 8pm):  “Ruby challenges her friends to prepare a healthy alternative to the traditional Thanksgiving dinner.” After considering the challenge, they simply opted not to invite her.
• The Celebrity Apprentice (NBC, 9pm):  “The celebrity business moguls must craft image makeovers for country artists Emily West and Luke Bryan for a magazine interview, a photo shoot and a concert.” Because when I think “image makeovers,” I think of Celebrity Apprentice contestants.
• Treme (HBO, 10pm):  “Antoine swallows his pride to play a gig on Bourbon Street.” Swallow enough stuff, and pride won’t be the only thing you give up on Bourbon Street.