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Wednesday March 9, 2011 8:32 pm

Seven Tiger Blood Drinkers Not Named Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen isn't the only one who drinks tiger bloodCharlie Sheen is still in the news and while his appeal has died down a bit, there's no denying that he's still a force to be reckoned with... watch CBS execs! With terms such as, "winning" and "tiger blood," Sheen has become a permanent part of pop culture, especially in regards to his influence on Twitter where he owns the Guiness record for fastest user to one million followers at 25 hours and 17 minutes. It had to be the tiger blood. So, this begs the question, who else "won" by imbibing the life liquid of tall striped felines? Below, you will find the answer as well as the backstory.

1) 2004 Boston Red Sox

In the 2004 American League Championship Series, the Red Sox were down three games to none to the New York Yankees, facing elimination from the postseason with every game thereafter in the series. After Game Three, the players went to the Cheers bar and asked Sam Malone to hook them up with something good and that "something good" was tiger blood. The Red Sox went on to win four straight games in that series against the hated Yankees, as well as sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals four games to none in the World Series. Eight straight victories. An 86-year-old curse shattered. Tiger blood > tequila.

2) James Cameron

Cameron drank tiger blood as part of his diet regimen while deep sea diving in the Atlantic. While adjusting his breathing apparatus, he knocked himself out with the furious power of his unleashed fist. Despite not having access to his oxygen tank while unconscious, the tiger blood in his veins regenerated the available oxygen cells at a rapid rate, allowing Cameron to live in suspended animation. When he awoke, he was in one of the cabins of the Titanic and the rest is history. Over a decade later, history would be made again when working out with Arnold Schwarzenegger that Cameron clearly dominated by squatting 15,000 pounds for reps. It was during a rest period when Schwarzenegger was doing his imitation of a Smurf ("Are we there yet, Papa Smurf? Are we there yet, Papa Smuf?") that Cameron had an idea about cool blue people living in their world.

3) William Shakespeare

Shakespeare's authorship of his many works is still contested in the literary world to this day. Why? It's because the sheer volume of masterpieces (38 plays, 154 sonnets, two long narrative poems, as well as other poems) in such a short period of time (about 1589 to 1613) seems absurdly impossible. However, it was the tiger blood that Shakespeare imbibed that enabled this genius of the word to focus and create his works of infinite art. "To be a winner or not to be a loser... tis doth not matter with tiger blood." It is rumored that Romeo and Juliet was written in tiger blood, which would explain its popularity as both a play and in its themes.

4) Napoleon Bonaparte

During the very beginning of the 1800s, Napoleon's name brought fear into the spines of men. Despite being vertically handicapped, the diminutive firebrand made a mark upon the world rarely seen in its history. While hunting as a boy, a tiger appeared seemingly out of nowhere and attacked the young Bonaparte, wrestling the boy to the ground. Napoleon found a rock near where he lay and struck the tiger in the face, but not without sacrificing a few functional veins in his right arm. It was a bajillion-to-one chance that Napoleon would defeat the tiger, but he did, and like a vampire he drank the tiger's blood in victory and gained the strength of a five-million-year-old tiger. Thanks to him and the rare chance to overcome a tiger, tigers around the world are not allowed to lose any fight in the next 22.5 million years.

5) The Beatles

The walrus is the tiger's mortal enemy and to show no fear of its enemy, the Beatles wrote the classic, "I Am the Walrus" song and mocked the big-toothed animal's stupidity by including nonsensical lyrics. Of course the Beatles are regarded as the most influential band in music history and that is thanks to the tiger blood that George Harrison happened to swim in on an excursion in India (due to various curses associated with tiger blood, this swimming in blood can't be explained in human language) before joining the Beatles. Since both John Lennon and Paul McCartney were naturally gifted, Harrison hid his knowledge of the most awesome drink ever from them, but shared sips with Ringo Starr, which explained his ability to be with women romantically despite his less-than-ideal features. After the group went to India together, mixing the now known magic of tiger blood with "herbs," the Beatles took their music to another level and became the legends they are today.

6) Benjamin Franklin

Franklin was an author, printer, political theorist, politician, postmaster, scientist, inventor, satirist, civic activist, statesman, diplomat, and rumored solicitor of prostitutes. Every generation of tiger blood drinkers has its lover of hookers and Franklin was the 1700s version of Charlie Sheen. Franklin clearly maximized the power of tiger blood through his various roles in life and even lived to be 84-years-old, an unheard age to reach during that time. It is noted in historical and biographical books that at age 20, Franklin invented 13 Virtues in which he lived his life. The first two - "Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation" and "Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation," were actually the third and fourth virtues. The real first two virtues were later discovered in a handwritten journal of Franklin's - "Tiger blood. Don't talk about it" and "Tiger blood. You don't talk about it." Despite discovering and sharing many things with the world, Franklin's true power of his genius was something he did not wish to share.

7) Lady Gaga

Tiger blood was drunk by Lady Gaga for simple ##### and giggles. In the world of tigerdom, she is known as "Walrus Woman" and must be brought down immediately.



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