I have been looking forward to 80s week on American Idol with the utmost excitement. Madonna, Cindy Lauper, The Sex Pistols, The Police - the list of great performers from the 80s goes on and on. Instead, the Idol men gave us Wham, Genesis, Celine Dion, Lionel Richie, and a whole host of other tunes that added up for another strange song selection night.

Luke Menard kicked off the night with one of the most fun, poppy, and bright tunes ever penned - “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” Sung by George Michael and Wham!, this song is one that could only exist in the 80s, and I’ll admit it - when I see that video, I start to rock out. It’s a fun, peppy song - but Luke Menard brought very little to his performance. I found the vocals a little weak and out-of-pitch, but I will say I sort of liked the falsetto. It was, hands down, the oddest song choice of the entire evening. Randy Jackson said it was a “fun song,” and Luke had a rough start though he “kinda got it together.” Jackson’s verdict? “Corny.” Paula said it was a surprising song choice and loved Luke’s higher notes. Simon “didn’t like it at all,” found it “weak, a bit girly” and plainly told Luke “you can’t win.” I know - I’ve been saying so since the beginning.

Next came front-runner David Archuleta to sing the Genesis tune “Another Day in Paradise.” He started out behind the piano (very Lennon-esque), then stood up to really sell it. His strong performance had me hooked right away, and again he offered pure feeling and beautiful singing. This kid is a powerhouse. Randy called the performance “nice” and once again remarked on “interesting song choice” (which isn’t a compliment). Paula called him “perfectly wonderful,” and Simon thought it “wasn’t as good as last week.” He also said David is getting a little “gloomy.”

Danny Noriega appeared on stage to give tons and tons of attitude to “Tainted Love.” He started out a little breathy and with perhaps too much ‘tude. Danny’s got incredible vocals and charisma, however, and he gave the audience a truly engaging performance. Randy liked the arrangement, Paula called him a “bright light” with “great vocals,” and Simon Cowell “thought it was horrible, the whole thing.” He found it “totally useless,” and went on to bomb Danny continuously, saying he “hated the arrangement, hated the performance, hate the vocal.” Danny responded by brushing the hater off his shoulder, and I don’t think it matters anyway - Danny will surely be in the Top 12.

A word about Paula Abdul. First of all, I hate the new ‘do. Secondly, she spent the entire night in an even more vapid, ramble-ready state than usual, visibly struggling to put together a single cohesive thought or statement. She’s becoming more and more nonsensical with each passing season.

David Hernandez, of the stripping scandal, appeared next on stage to sing Celine Dion. He has incredibly powerful pipes, but I found the song choice incredibly strange. Furthermore, I don’t think it’s a good idea for Idols to sing Celine Dion. Whatever song it is, she’s already sung the hell out of it - and her version is all over the entire world, so how are you going to be original? Hernandez wasn’t, I wasn’t impressed, and strangely the judges didn’t agree with me. Randy thought it was a “nice song choice” but admitted that Hernandez over-shoots his notes sometimes (sometimes?), while Paula talked nonsense about David finding his “groove” and praised him with “some of the best vocals” in the group. David took the time to say he loves Paula. Simon Cowell said that David has “one hundred percent secured a place in the finals.” Back up, Cowell, you don’t get to decide that - we do.

Aussie Michael Johns came out next, and when I heard the first note of his song I started to freak out. Johns picked the best song of the night and, I think, delivered the best performance of the night with his strong rendition of The Breakfast Club song. It was truly an amazing performance. Randy said he “loved that, man” and found it to be a “good song choice.” Heck yes it was - so far, the only saving grace of 80s week. Paula thought it was the “perfect song,” and Simon “liked it, didn’t love it.” He said Johns has “huge talent” but that he hasn’t “quite connected.” He even suggested Johns is a bit of a “wannabe rock singer,” but said he “really, really likes” him and thinks he’ll do well on Idol. Here’s hoping.

Rocker David Cook strummed his electric guitar and sang a completely unrecognizable Lionel Richie song. I really didn’t dig the performance, finding it hard to understand Cook’s lyrics (it’s called enunciation, buddy). Randy completely shocked me by praising Cook: “I thought it was brilliant.” Paula called it “fabulous” and said it “would be a hit today,” predicting that Cook will be a “great, shining star.” I’m not so sure. Simon Cowell told Cook it was a “very brave thing to do…and I loved it.” “I like people who go out and take a few risks,” Simon told Cook. I do, too, and Lionel Richie isn’t a risk. The Misfits - that’s an Idol risk.

Next, dreadlocked (I can’t get over it) Jason Castro beautifully sang a song from the Shrek soundtrack and appeared sans guitar, as per the judges’ earlier suggestions. It was a lovely, moving performance that somehow only worked for me when I wasn’t looking at Jason. Seriously, dreadlocks are nasty. Randy called the song difficult but said the performance was “pretty good,” giving Castro “props” for appearing without the guitar. Paula thought it sounded effortless and told Castro “you are unique,” which she’s said to like everyone in the contest. Simon “thought it was absolutely brilliant” and said it was “arguably one of my favorite performance of the night.” Mine, too, and I can’t even look at the guy.

Chikezie came out next to put his soulful twist on “She Fills Me Up” with incredible vocals. His strong performance was filled with a few really big moments, but Chikezie is still dressing quite terribly. Are you taking fashion advice from Ryan Seacrest, or what? Randy again called it an “interesting song choice” and said “you did a good job,” which I thought was an understatement. Paula said “your vocals sound really good tonight” (great observation) and said she’s “very proud.” Simon asked if Whitney Houston recorded that song. The answer was affirmative. “Then, no. I don’t think that worked at all,” he answered. “I don’t think that was a very smart move, personally.” Simon added. Yet he said nothing to the kid who tried to belt out Celine Dion…what gives?

The theme of the evening was embarrassing moments…a topic which naturally lends itself to Miss Abdul. Did anyone catch the last few minutes of broadcast? Let me paint the picture. Ryan Seacrest is giving the wrap-up as usual, then makes the colossal mistake of throwing it over to Paula. She was oddly standing at the judges table and looked rather off-balance. As she started to talk, I saw her list to one side. Simon saw it, too, and quickly reached out to grab her arm and pull her into her chair. When asked to describe the evening’s performance, Paula half-slurred her answer, “two words: phe nominal.” This is no lie, for a split second I thought she was going to say Phenobarbital. That, at least, would have explained a few things. Anyone know what’s up with this chick?