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Tuesday April 25, 2006 2:51 pm

The Tuesday Interview: Umm, Me…

Posted by Dennis Velasco Categories: Editorial,

The Tuesday Interview will appear, well, every Tuesday.  I will ask as many questions as I can get away with to various people who work in sports in various capacities.  Since I just thought of this idea last week, I don’t have anyone slated to appear in this week’s edition.  And since I’ve already started rolling out my regular weekly features (check out yesterday’s Just Another Metric Monday), I’ve decided to do the whole EGO thing and interview myself.  I promise you, it’ll be a waste of your time to read.  But, since I know curiosity is a powerful thing, you’ll probably read this now, anyway. Don’t blame me if this week’s self-interview blows… I warned you.

DENNIS: So, how did you get into sports?
ME: Back in the late 70’s, Reggie Jackson had his own candy bar, which I remember being exactly like a Baby Ruth (yeah, go figure) candy bar.  Since I was a fat kid and loved the Reggie Bar, I thought I may as well watch the player I was eating.  So, I did and thus started my Yankees love as a six-year-old kid. 
DENNIS: So, it was peanuts dipped in caramel and covered in chocolate that introduced you to sports?
ME: Ironic, isn’t it?
DENNIS:Actually, I was thinking more pathetic, but whatever… so, what makes you an authority to write about sports?
ME: Umm… hmm.  I’m stumped.
DENNIS: Oh, geez.
ME: Okay, well, I do have a fantasy basketball column on SI.com.  Of course with the fantasy basketball season over, my run there is over as well. 
DENNIS: How in the heck did you get that gig?
ME: Uhm… hmm.  I’m stumped.
DENNIS: Okay, nevermind.  For the sake of NOT shamelessly plugging yourself, what do you have planned with Endscore?
ME: Well, a lot of things, actually.  IF Andru, the master surpreme overlord here at Endscore, let’s me, that is.  I plan on having some weekly features such as the aforementioned sabermetric propoganda, this interview feature (NOTE: Next week, I’ll have an interview with a MLB scout up for all of you Endscore readers), my take on sports for the week, and a fantasy sports column amongst other things.
DENNIS: How patient do you think the readers have been thus far in this display of ego, schizophrenia, boredom, and form of playing with one’s self?
ME: Very patient.
DENNIS: Okay, let’s have mercy on them and end this off with the Lipton Questions.
ME: Okay, sure.  But isn’t that kind of UN-original?
DENNIS: Hey, it’s a new feature, I’m working out the kinks.  Amuse me.
ME: Don’t you mean amuse ME?
DENNIS: Stop right there.  THAT gag would have been UN-funny.
ME: Touche.
DENNIS: Okay, the Lipton Questions. What puts a smile on your face?
ME: Well, several things and I’ll get the sentimental stuff out of the way - my wife sleeping peacefully, my son doing anything with pure unadulterated joy on his face, Albert Pujols batting, a positive bank statement, and people tripping.
DENNIS: What is your worst sports moment?
ME: Anytime the New York Jets draft.  I’m not saying I can do any better, but they are absolutely HORRIBLE.
DENNIS: What is your favorite curse word?
ME: “F@!$%&*K” because it’s so versatile.  As in - “Can you F@!$%&*K’in believe this F@!$%&*K?  He’s actually F@!$%&*K’in interviewing his F@!$%&*K’in self.  F@!$%&*K’in F@!$%&*K.
DENNIS: Anything else you’d like to say to the two people reading this post?
ME: Hi mom and dad!
DENNIS: Thank you for your time.

Next week, I’ll have an actual “guest,” who will be tons more enlightening than me.  So, keep coming back!

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