Given my general disdain for prequels and my current indifference toward Nicolas Cage, this next piece of news really caught my attention…especially since it involves one of my all-time favorite movies.

Variety reports that Cage is currently in discussions to star in a prequel to Brian De Palma’s classic The Untouchables.  This movie, currently titled The Untouchables: Capone Rising, would focus on the infamous mobster’s rise to power.  Nicolas would be playing the role of Capone—a role made legendary by Robert De Niro in the 1987 production.  Both the director and the producer from the last project would be returning for this venture.

Although I really shouldn’t care, I will now play the role of Nicolas Cage’s pseudo-agent and give him a few words of advice:

1) You are no Robert De Niro
2) When your career is in a slump—you shouldn’t put yourself in a position to be compared to another actor like De Niro
3) You’ve already proven that working with De Palma (Snake Eyes) does not equate to box office success
4) De Palma’s last movie (The Black Dahlia) was quite honestly the worst thing I saw last year.  (If you don’t believe me, watch my previous review)
5) Movies that have colons in the title often belong on the straight-to-video shelf

So I passionately beg of you, Nicolas—please do not make this movie.  If there is any chance that you may taint the memory of my beloved classic, I will summon Mephistopheles from Ghost Rider to hunt you down.